Monday, August 31, 2009

Another MANnerism

Obedience to lawful authority is the foundation of manly character. -Robert E. Lee

Yes today is Monday and we will keep it quick.

As I find today's motivational quote I try to break it down and explain it as it reflects on a real 'MAN's' life.

Obedience(to lawful authority)
Men, aged 18-37.5, if for nothing else can put up with more crap, garbage and the ranting and ravings then the entire rest of his fellow humans. It's not to say that other people (kids, elderly, and women) do not deal with enough, but a real man needs to constantly be obedient to everyone. As a father for instance, he must be obedient to his children and most importantly to his spouse, the law!

Manly Character
All men learn and develop themselves and have certain characteristics that make them who they are. They have their sports teams, drinking buddies and style they hold themselves in.

Foundation is the mold in which a man is made; Strong, sturdy and resilient.

Add them all together in this quote and I get the simple idea that men are the strongest beings ever. Made of brawn and awesome. Add them with anything else and you break the camels back. You get a man who for no reason hits his head while fixing a car and has to make the right decision and kick a wall!

I am a man and cannot explain this phenomenon. I love it though. Embrace this one. I just hurt myself so I will retaliate against those gremlins that knocked over my motorcycle and put a hole in the drywall! Back to the hardware store... (see prior post)
-Man 1

Friday, August 28, 2009

Today's Manly Lesson 1

My driving is rivaled only by the lightning bolts from the heavens!
~The Sheik from Cannonball Run

Some days are just meant to put you in your place and let you know that you are not instoppable.
You are heading off to the ballpark to catch your team defeat their rivals. You scored some great seats from a friend of a friend who always talks the talk and finally came through! Weather is perfect and your ready to take your dad/son/friend/date to possibly the best sports experience of your life(aside from your "one handed catch story" from high school!)
You pack the car up with tailgating items and you are off...
Nothing can stop you until WHAMMY you feel a sweet tug of life telling you something is wrong.
That sweet tug is your car tire blowing out. As a safe driver you do not overeact when this happens. *Note you should always check your tire pressure and inspect your car - duh, you are a man.

OK, I assume you are a man(or person who wants to be awesome) and possibly never had this life skill dropped on you...
So here is the quick list of how to change a tire


1 Blow out - or - Nail in the tire issue.
2 Safely get your vehicle to a flat level surface.
3 If in traffic put on your hazards, get in a straight-away zone and be visible.
4 Open your boot/trunk and get out all tools needed. They should be neatly
engineered to fit in a ridiculous space or package. Check your owners manual if
you cannot locate them. If you don't have them, stop here and call your mother
for help.
5 Loosen the lug nuts with the tire iron; do this on the ground stupid it won't spin
6 Find your jack and line it up to the pinchwelds where the panels of your vehicle
meet - or - if you have a truck on the frame in the designated area(see your
7 Jack It! (pervert)
You will need a good inch or two under the blown tire(get your mind outta the
8 Remove the lugs and put them somewhere safe.
9 Remove the flat tire.
10 Put on the spare/donut.
11 Hand tighten the lugs in a star design or alternating if 4 bolts are present.
Make sure the tire is not wobbly at this time.
12 Lower the jack.
13 Tighten the lugs with the tire iron. Do this in an alternating pattern if there are
four bolts - or again in the star design.
14 Put the tire and tools in your car.
15 Do not drive fast - this is probably why you just changed a tire.


-Man 1

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

MAN handle your travel!

“Are you seriously gonna pack everything in that one bag? You won’t have room to bring anything extra back…”, she squawked as I threw my ridiculously stuffed backpack on the table in victory!

Travelling is always good... and as a MAN you should be able to pack a bag and get ready for a road trip with the boys or a getaway with your significant other without a problem. For whatever the reason, women are wired to pack half their wardrobe and shoes into no less then 2 rolling duffles, we will never know. What we do know is that men pack the same way for a wedding, honeymoon, bachelor party, football/sporting event trip, or any other event you can dream up. The absolute same way.

We are very structured and there is little emotion involved. Match a few colors. *Note I said colors and not shades/hues* We don’t want to stand out. We don’t want to fit in. We aim to be comfortable and simple. Here is a simple rule to follow: Take the number of days you are traveling above 3 (3 days = 2 outfits, no more no less) and divide that in half. This is the number of outfits and colors you are allowed to pack (jeans not included). One week away gives you no more then 4 outfits.
You can now pack lightly and not have to lug anything extra around. You are going away to in fact get away. Leave your wardrobe at home and go have fun with life. Remember you are a man and you need to leave your extra baggage home.

-Man 1

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Rubbing is Racing

I drove to work yesterday only to watch a MAN in a Toyota 4Runner speed down the expressway to pass a new Ferrari! You know that you’ve passed a car much faster then yours while that driver was not even trying to remotely race. You don’t care. You felt it tingle in your stomach and you still won.

Face it you wake up in a rush and you hit the ground running. Life is a marathon of sorts so you do have to pace yourself. As a MAN you do get to choose when you pick up the pace and slow down. If you are any self respecting MAN Card holder then you will have that need for speed early and often.

You had to race your big wheel down your driveway as a kid. You raced your scooter next, then a bike and finally the piece de resistance the motorized car. Yes, you had to practice on a lawnmower and go cart but it all changed when you got into a car. You got into a clunker and it was as if you were racing from the Great Nothing in The Neverending Story!

God you are awesome. You now can rev up that Chevrolet Malibu and fight your friends in their Oldsmobile. You get to a stop light late at night, the colors and light on the sidewalk and homes nearby disappear. Vision becomes better as does scent. You smell the oil burning under your hood. Yes you have gone to fight or flight. The light turns green and for a moment you are no longer a bagboy! Go Speed Racer… Go!

-Man 1

Monday, August 17, 2009

Driving Idiots!

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
- Albert Einstein

It’s a very unfortunate part of life: men have to deal with people much lower on the IQ totem pole than themselves. This is not to be confused with arrogance, as everyone at some time does something stupid in their lives; the point is that some people habitually exercise their idiot muscles and it makes those around them irritated and angry. It is pointless to try and name all the ways humans are stupid, but one category of sheer idiocy that goes constantly noticed by men everywhere is…DRIVNG IDIOTS.
After dealing with the other idiots of the driving world: the DMV, the designers of the road infrastructure, and of course the road naming people (whoever has this job is one of the most unimaginative people on the planet) you finally get to deal with the final level of stupidity on the road…other drivers. There are several rules of the road that people just refuse to acknowledge or follow.

At no point will people finally realize that the developers of cars put these “turn signals” on cars for a reason. It would be pointless to let other people know when you’re turning because then they might be able to plan accordingly and make their turn instead of waiting for you to pass before making that left.
When on the highway, the left lane is what’s known to many as the “passing” lane. This is because all the people who are going to take the next exit, just like driving slower or are women, drive in one of the other lanes. The left lane is for men who have places to go and don’t have time for idiots driving slow.
Contrary to popular belief, tailgating someone who’s already going 10 miles above the posted speed limit isn’t going to make them go any quicker. In fact, this will probably only anger the other driver and flashing your high beams only infuriates further. Honestly what is the logic behind this move? “Let’s make this as dangerous as possible, who knows maybe I’ll make him swerve off the road and then I’ll finally be past him and be able to go 12 miles above the speed limit”. Add to that the fact that the same person doing this is incapable of seeing that they are approaching the car(s) ahead as if they were standing still and should probably match their speed in order to maintain a safe distance from said cars.
I’m sure NASA at some point will nail the whole universe part of this quote, but for now all us men can sleep easy that none of these moronic motorists are magically going to wise up before 5 o’clock rush hour…but at least we can hope that over the weekend some might get a D.U.I. and not be able to drive for some time.

(In no way do any of us here at manly guides condone drunk driving, you should have already arranged it with your favorite bar so you can set up a cot in the kitchen when you get too drunk.)

-Man 4

Friday, August 14, 2009

MEN ain't afraid of no ghosts!

“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.”
- Sven Goran Eriksson

Fact: The first ’successful’ head transplant was carried out in 1963 by Robert J. White of Cleveland, Ohio, who attached the head of one monkey to the body of another. The monkey survived for several days, during which it tried to bite the experimenters.

How, you may ask, is this possible? How did this 'mad scientist' accomplish this feat? How many monkeys did he kill in the process? How did he know how to do this or that it would ever be successful. The answer to that is simple. Men are FEARLESS. Fear is not in a man's vocabulary (along with other words like tampon and abstinence). When real men are confronted with a situation that would strike fear into the hearts of others, they overcome. They look that fear in the face, spit on the f, throw it to the ground and stomp on it with their unlaced size 12 Timberland boots.

Men don't 'practice' expecting to fail, Men go into every task expecting a win. The real men of this world never doubt their actions, they have this little thing called confidence. So much so that it pours from their veins. Do you think that Johnny Depp can play any character put in front of him because he doubts his acting abilities? Or that Tony Hawk can do crazy ass back flips 50 feet in the air on a piece of wood with wheels because he thinks he is going to fall and break his face open? How about the world renowned financial guru Warren Buffet? Do you think he invested his way into more than $36 billion by doubting his abilities to pick a great stock? Or that Hugh Heffner, a wealthy wrinkly old man can have 3 beautiful girlfriends and many other 'side bunnies' because he is afraid his penis is too small to stimulate their infamous 'g spot?' The answer to all of these absurd questions is an outstanding NO.

Real Men see opportunity in everything, they do not doubt their abilities for anything. The secret to a man's success isn't books or $100,000 tuition. It is confidence and having a fearless heart. You can fix anything, approach and conquer any situation that crosses your path, eat any amount of steak you want, climb any mountain because you are MAN and YOU are FEARLESS. And don't worry, if you ever do get sidetracked and beginning to have some form of doubt, just listen to "Eye of the Tiger." This little gem was made famous by Rocky Balboa and just a few bars from this heart pounding sounds made from the gods of Men will be more than enough to get you back on track.

-Man 3

Thursday, August 13, 2009

What was I saying?

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened. ~Rita Rudner

Men do forget everything. We forget that last week we went out to the sports bar with Dan instead of going to an afternoon matinee of the latest Drew Barrymore chick flick. We forget that we were supposed to stop and get milk on the way home. Men forget your birthday, Christmas and even their anniversaries. (Note Men do NOT forget Valentine's Day as this is proven to be the day you are most likely to fornicate with a woman). We pride ourselves on all the things we forget. As a Man it is our job to forge out into the world and seek adventures. We forget to see that Drew Barrymore movie because the big Giants-Cowboys game was on and Dan just found a bar that has atomic wings. We forgot our anniversary because every day is an anniversary, the anniversary of being with this woman. Men just don't sweat the little things. We only remember if you were caught cheating on us and what your favorite drink may be. Men are always moving forward. We are always trying to go to the next big adventure. We apologize that 2 months ago you asked for fresh lemons and we only bought you Minute-made Lemonade. We are busy living in the real world. We only have time to make sure that you are faithful to us and that we may be able to get you a bit tipsy. Any Man who remembers more than this is just asking for trouble.

Men remember that directions should be thrown out the window. Men know that a computer cannot tell you how to get the stadium, you just need to go out and find it yourself with beers and your hibachi grille in the trunk to enjoy a steak. Building a shelf- screw directions and use the pieces from the box to make your own. This is why Men will never understand women. Women do remember everything and women remind you of the things you forget at the least opportune time. During an argument 4 months later you are reminded you missed Titanic's opening night premiere. A Man's response is usual shock and awe that his significant other was able to recall that. But alas we are Men and we will never be able to change the fact that what we forget is enough to write volumes of books. Now if only I could remember where I left those tickets to the AC/DC concert next week.

-Man 2

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Happy Birthday Home Computer

"The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against wacking them around a little."
Joe Martin, Porterfield

On this date (August 12th for those of us that are too hung over to realize what day it actually is) in history, IBM released its first PC model. The 5150 IBM PC (with a 4.77 Mhz INTEL 8088 processor) is released at the low low price of $1,565 making it available for the first time to the general public as apposed to earlier models that (in addition to weighing more than most modern houses and taking up as much room) were only available to corporations and private owners.

The year was 1981 and the world was much different: The music of the day was “Video killed the radio star”, there was this new cable show starting that played “music videos” called Mtv (isn’t that novel), and a new sports car, the De Lorian was just rolling off the production line and straight into our hearts. It was a good year for men! Since then many advances have been made for huMANity but without these humble beginnings we couldn’t even fathom watching people doing it from the privacy of our own homes while getting sports updates and writing a blog for the masses to enjoy.
So as you sit and read this blog, while streaming some music off an internet radio station, downloading full length movie porn make-overs, and order a pizza to be delivered for lunch remember you have this guy to thank for it:

You feel bad about picking on all the nerds in your high school yet? Good, you shouldn’t! Your constant disapproval of their un-manliness is what drives people like Mr. Donald Estridge, developing director and King Nerd, to do great things like develop and release the PC to the world. So when you see Poindexter at the water cooler today tell him “thanks Don, thanks for all the porn”, and give him a high five (trust me, he knows what you’re doing it for). Go MEN!

-Man 4

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Sex and Travel

“The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.”

Saint Augustine

From the early days of Homo sapiens' existence, men have been programed for exploration. We desire it, we need it. There is something about the mystery and danger of being in a foreign land that drives us wild. Exotic women, food, drink, and culture. It calls to us and excites every hormone we have coursing through our veins. Maybe you know the feeling of dating the same broad for a long long long long time. I'm talking to when it gets to the point that sex is routine and only happens on rare occurrences. The spark has left and you are on thrusting 'auto-pilot' as you drift through the motions. Then it happens, you meet a new broad. She is different, exciting, exotic! She cherishes everything about you, she desires your aura, sweats when you enter the room and the moans she lets off when you touch her...forget about it.

These are the exact reasons we desire travel. The idea of waking up in uncharted territory thrills our very existence. Dining with new delicacies (hell, I would even try frozen batwings), new types of broads (go to Brazil and tell me differently), different cultural experiences... Did you know in Japan they have public baths all over the place. People just get butt ass naked and go hang out in a giant bath together in the middle of town! Now tell me that doesn't sound perfectly wonderful in every aspect of life! Sure, you're bound to get some old wrinkly broads and their wrinkled [phallus of a husband but hey, some people are into that sort of stuff! To you and me this may sound weird but over in Japan this is just a normal day.

I guess what I am trying to say is "do you like sex and travel". As a Man both speak to our genetic code and that is why we must always be looking to the next adventure.

-Man 3

Monday, August 10, 2009


As I am trying to park the car I advise, "I will meet you in 3 minutes out front dear."
"Yeah right, and you are gonna spend $5 too. I am going to go get a manicure/pedicure" Was the sweet response.

Going to do man work is hard work. Going shopping at the hardware store to start MAN projects is even harder.

We know that we will never understand women's shopping habits. I guess then it should be true that men do have their quirks when it comes to shopping. It comes by a few names: ACE, Home Depot, Lowes, Sears Hardware, Bob's Local Shack, etc.

So you broke your door knob coming home last night from the bar(without your keys, since a man never drives drunk). No worries. You are a MAN. You can fix anything(see earlier posts). You write your list, in your mind of course, so that you forget something and have to go back to the "candy store."
You need some duct tape and a screwdriver.... that's it.
You enter and you rarely ask questions in the store. You just wander through the aisles as if you were spelunking a sweet cave of treasures. You find yourself in the outdoor section and you are now on a jungle cruise. Every plant you can't grow on your own is blooming since someone who works fulltime actually waters them properly! You move onward into the lighting section. They keep those lights on so bright that you now have come into a desert. You begin to sweat looking at all the ways to ruin your electric bill and possibly kill yourself while installing them.
Oh look it's not a mirage but an actual oasis of showers faucets and tubs! You continue on your vigilant journey to find duct tape. You make it past hardware and you chuckle about the (beer) bong you once made. Then you find the plumbing section. Yes, you are a man, you broke the door handle and will fix it with items from the plumbing area.
You find your duct tape and head straight to the tool section.
Yes the tool section is like going into the hangar before flight when you are the owner/operator. You pick up the screwdriver and a pair of vice grips you already own (but it was on sale!).
On the way out you get batteries and bug spray.
So it's been 47.2 minutes and you are finally done.
You go out front and you wait for the manicure and pedicure to get done. Yes, you are the man and waste time in the hardware store while important people are busy getting a manicure

By the way when you get home you realize you need a new door nob and have to back for another adventure!!!

-Man 1

Friday, August 7, 2009

In Heaven There Is No Beer

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
- Ernest Hemingway

So our title today is a sombering thought. On a serious note though beer really is a great product and invention of man. Beer is business and men love business. Bass holds the oldest trademark with their symbol and bottle caps invented in Baltimore. What you need to know is that you and your mates are succeptible to a very contagious side effect of beer.

Beer Muscles! Yes, we are not talking about the post workout strain that goes away with beer, but the inflation of the facia and muscle tissue around the entire body from beer. Most men carry themselves as respecable gentlemen. Let it be known that the old adage stands true: the third drink comsumes you.

Beer muscles are a double edged sword.
Side one:
Man 1 and Man 2 are at the local pub sucking back on some beers. Darts and Pool become a regular event that evening. Man 2 is playing pool against Jack, a meat head, who cannot handle his Jack and Coke. Jack's self induced display of roid rage at the end of a lost game causes him to attempt a fight with Man 2. Man 1 immediatley does the right thing and defends his drinking buddy. Man 1 displays his beer muscles and flexes most importantly his mouth muscles and ends the turmoil. Man 1 can brag about being awesome.

Side two:
Same story but Man 1 flexes his super beer punch on Jack. Jack has lost all feeling due to Jack(JD Whiskey) and takes a hit from Man 1. Jack who has actual muscles, from a job that does not include blogging or writing or utilizing brain cells, gives a left hook and knocks Man 1 out. Jack can brag about being awesome.

See the end result is the same for 2 different people.
All I am getting at is that it is Friday and you have a weekend coming up.
Do the right thing and know how to use those beer muscles.

-Man 1

Thursday, August 6, 2009

“The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.”
-Friedrich Nietzsche

Many a man have made it their life’s work trying to dissect the inner workings of the female mind…to no avail. There is no single greater puzzle to man than woman. As a man, figuring out how puzzles work is an innate behavior. It’s why men instantly look under the hood of a car; why boys always take things that break apart without having any knowledge of its inner workings; why they NEED never stop and ask for directions. Something in the D.N.A. code of man makes him want to understand and be in control of everything he comes into contact with.

Dating is basically like playing minesweeper on difficult. The first date gives the man a sense of accomplishment, like the first time he figured out how to make the perfect paper airplane. As the dates progress, the man gets more and more confident and more of the game field becomes clearer until eventually…boom! Wrong click, mine explodes, game over.
You sit and sulk and try to figure out where you should/could’ve safely clicked. Eventually you click the little smiley face, click on a new broad er...
I mean board and start a new game. The similarities are uncanny.

'Woman' is the only puzzle man is sure to never figure out. Advances may be made and ground may be gained but the end result of finally understanding what women really want/mean/need will never really be realized. For now man will have to make do with being able to bed these strange and dangerous broads in order to further our research. Here’s to the hunt! Hazaa!!!

-Man 4

Wednesday, August 5, 2009


“Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.”
-Berthold Auerbach

When a Man gets in the car on the way home from a long day of work what is the best part of his day? He knows full well that the world and grand adventures await him but what sets him in the mood? The answer is Highway to the Danger Zone on his ipod. Music has the ability to instantly satiate any of man’s fears hopes or ambitions. Music kicks ass. Every Man jumps in the car and mentally says “I’m ready to live” . This can be the powerful riffs of Kenny Loggins and the images of a fighter plane going Mach 3 dipping dangerously below the "hard deck" for the final score. Some Men will prefer to put on the melodic tones and beats of Snoop Dogg who reminds us that G’s are in fact up and ho’s are in fact down. And sometimes you just want to hear the musical tones of Edward Van Halen shredding the guitar pick in his hands like he was 12 years old and first learned to masturbate. Whatever Music you want you can have. This is why Men love Music. No matter how loud the kids are going to be when you get home, Warren G is there to remind you that when you get home “regulate” and “mount up.”

( from flickr - Vinícius Camargo's )
I am a Man and when I get to the office I need my music. I need the Stone Temple Pilots to tell me the days of the week and sometimes even the musings of Milli Vanilli to tell me to blame it on the rain. Yea I said it. But that is the beauty of being a Man. Men love and cherish music for its ability to display the raw emotion you feel inside of your body. If you just got dumped by your girlfriend throw on some Prodigy on your way to the driving range for a shake and a bucket. Use the time in your car with your Music to clean your soul. There is plenty of dust that our lives throw at us so make sure that Jay Z is there to get the dirt off your shoulders.

-Man 2

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

MANaging Your Life

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.”

Elayne Boosler

Yes we are men and we get bored from time to time. What do we do when we get bored? We invent, we invade, we destroy, we create, we conquer, we play, we cheat, etc... Pretty much anything to spice up this day to day routine we call life.

Let's face it, our jobs are routine enough for us. We get up every morning at the same damn time, we drink our coffee, take a shower, get dressed and start our morning commute into our job. At this job we do the same thing day in and day out, different people may call our phones or come in for appointments but the basic foundation of routine is there. Sure, we might change it up a bit and masturbate in the shower before work or leave early so we can stop and get a tasty breakfast treasure from McDonalds but it always reverts back to the routine. So by the time the 5:00 hour hits we are ready for some adventure! That is the one thing women fail to understand about us. We don't want a women to be as routine as our 9-5. We want to come home and have her laying on the bed in a Christian School Girl outfit. She is ready to take any position we can create in our fantasy cavity (lodged deep within the brain cells of our Frontal Lobe). Men want to explore. We want to go on kayaking adventures down dangerous piranha infested waters, or to the nearest airport and jump on the first plane that has two available seats and explore new lands just for the fun of it.

When we get bored our senses go into Man drive overload. We begin seeking entertainment elsewhere. If our job gets too routine we start slacking and seeking gainful employment elsewhere. If our girlfriend/wife becomes too boring, we might start flirting back to Cindy at the copy machine when she flicks her hair and does that cute little giggle whenever you make eye contact with her. It is important to note that these things are not our fault. We cannot control the man beast within, we are animals by nature not by nurture.

I'm a man, I have an attention span of about 1.3 milliseconds, expecting me to give you my undivided attention without some sort of rewarding excitement every now and then is just against my genetic code. I would say I'm sorry for that but I don't apologize for being a man. I CELEBRATE it.

Congratulations your a MAN...

Man 2

Monday, August 3, 2009

MEN Play with Balls 1

" You gotta have two things to win. You gotta have brains and you gotta have balls. Now, you got too much of one and not enough of the other. "
- Eddie felson (Paul Newman) The color of money

Billiards is not only a game of skill but that of deception. Yes, I said it, deception. Men utilize the billiard table and hall for many different things. The billiard hall is a simple open space in which multiple people, male and female, go to and practice hitting balls with sticks in hopes to become a man. Many a night are spent smoking cigarettes and drinking beer in hopes to find the skills to handle the billiard cue.
Now that you have spent thousands in quarters you have hopefully found yourself in a position to be awesome and show off those manly skills. You can masse, bank, combo and use English better then Shakespeare.

You find yourself now in the company of "someone, someone’s father, someone’s boss, etc." You know what to do.

You bluff!

Yes remember that deception we were talking about. You are not on the home table and you are a man. Your job is not to destroy your competition, your goal is to be cunning. Learn your opponent and use what you have learned to then be the better man. Realize that this may require you to play multiple games over the course of your life to gain respect and perhaps even a grant or job. Once you have come to the realization that you now know your competition you can then destroy them on better terms. Many deals are won and lost over such manly games as pool(golf, poker, etc).

Be a man who knows how to make the best of his surroundings.

Don’t be a shark be a sneaky pool playing MAN.

-Man 1