Monday, July 27, 2009

5:00- Treasure Time-

" Heroes take journeys, confront dragons, and discover the treasure of their true selves."
- Carol Lyn Pearson (writer and poet)

If by hero you mean that I am a Man you are damn right. Everyday we Men get up and travel the long and arduous journey that is the morning commute. On this commute we may laugh as others are grooming themselves (either picking noses or brushing their bu-fonts). Sometimes we even get mean mugged by others (usually a doucher who just cut you off because 11 miles over the speed limit is not fast enough) and are just shocked at how a friendly street at 8 am becomes a lawless wasteland. We take this trip to slay the dragon- the boss and our TPS reports. Its hard going to work ready to fight a dragon only to find it has taken the shape of a man with perfectly parted hair and a brown nose that smells eerily like a used diaper. Men fight this "dragon" known as the boss until 5:00 pm. Once its 5 o'clock there is no law. We have put up with too many demeaning comments, annoying stares by co-workers and just too much of the dragon's breath (whose boss doesn't love to hear themselves speak?) that we are just about ready to explode. And when we do the Lou Ferrigno comes out in each Man. It is happy hour and we are ready. We throw all caution to the wind and grab the biggest tallest glass of frothy delicious that 4 dollars can buy and we chug like our lives depend on it. In reality they do. If you don't tame the Lou Ferrigno in you at 5:00 on the dot you could end up punching the dragon square in his shit covered nose. This is a one way ticket to mom's basement so do yourself a favor and crack a cold one.

So if the above quote was talking about Men swigging beers after a long day at a shitty job with a boss who probably collects Magic Cards and who desperately needs to get laid more than just to procreate then its talking about Men, and Men love drinking a cold beer.

-Man 3

Friday, July 24, 2009

Master of your Manuverse

“God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages.”

-Jacques Deval

We are men. We make no excuses for our existence and nor should we. We are commanders of our own universe. Masters of traps, cunning and power.

We let no one thing stand in our way. By nature we are control freaks. We conquer and master everything that deals with our personal universe or Manuverse. With that said, real men do not complain, they act.

If it is raining outside on your day to play golf, either stop the rain or master your Manuverse. Accept the challenge and conquer the 'slip and slide 1-wood drive.' If you are unhappy with your job or your boss, YOU are the master of your Manuverse and you know what to do about it. Either bow down and finish your TPS reports or staple them to the driver's side door of your bosses new BMW E-class. After all, he did say "I want to see them before I leave the parking lot today."

When real men see a problem, we fix it. Words like "no" and "can't" are absent in our vocabulary (unless pertaining to sex--that might wind you up in handcuffs). Afterall we are the knights of the round table known as "Earth."

Problems = Solutions (99.99% of which can be solved using Duct tape), real men don't complain they conquer.


Thursday, July 23, 2009

MAN am I hungry...

"He who distinguishes the true savor of his food can never be a glutton; he who does not cannot be otherwise." Henry David Thoreau

Lunch is the most important meal for a man. Wait you are a MAN and the next meal you eat is the most important. Then the one after that and then the one after that...

It is true that men think with their stomachs(among other things). Sure you and I can eat an $8 gut bomb today! Can you smell that pizza oven working? Crusty Cheesey goodness will be ready in just a few minutes.
Food Smells trigger memories and emotions. Yes i said ''emotions! Next time a friend, mother or signifigant other tries to tell you that you are not emoti0nal, you now know what to do. Tell them about that pizza you ate in college after a binge night(or when in Rome fancy pants!). Tell them about the steak you grilled on vacation that landed you a summer fling.

You eat like a man and think like one too. Life is about food for a MAN.

Enjoy it, cherish it, eat it! (Use it to your advantage)

-Man 1

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Wild Wild West

"You've been warned twice already about this problem and it is about time you get it taken care of...", she blurted as I was stopped dead by THE LAW.

Yes, as a man you must know about the trials and tribulations of cowboys and bandits of the western movie genre. Going to the local tavern to get food, drink, gamble and maybe a little lovin'; Simpler times with simpler rules.

He who has the fastest gun makes it out alive.

Well long gone are the times when a dispute or argument are resolved with a sweet exaggerated bar fight or a high noon shootout... or are they?
A man driving his car to work in his carpool is like the leader of a gang getting ready to ride into the middle of town cause a raucous and then ride off into the sunset. The middle of town is his sweet office space and the rows between cubicles. The raucous and shooting is more like chatter and shooting staples into all sorts of business letters that get in your way!
Modern man has created a wilderness of work to be taken by the horns and dragged to justice.
THE LAW is still the law, this much has not changed. Your boss is much like the sheriff of a small town. What happens in his town is his business and anytime you step out of line BAM! right in the slammer to make you remember who runs things.

This is the exact same thing that happened to me. I was with my posse getting ready to ride into town when all of the sudden the law flashed his evil red lights and stopped us dead in our tracks. Less then a mile into my long commute I was slapped around due to having blinders on my trustee stead. Tint! The sheriff’s most evil nemesis of the mean streets.
I was taken in, washed up, lost in the west...

My Red Dragon was declawed today. Tint gone :(
Have no fear my posse will be back tomorrow morning to try avoiding the law again.

-Man 1

Monday, July 20, 2009

MAN why don't you build something

Blog notes

“How do you know how to lay tile and carpet?” she questioned in a minimally demeaning tone.
I reverted to the old,”I am a MAN…” then I explained that, “when a boy is between 13-17 years of age his father sits him down with the Manly Guide and he then learns about all things about being a man.”(More on that later)

Well even if a MAN does not know how to construct and build everything from semiconductors to engines, he should be able to look into his past and gather enough knowledge from building those frustrating model airplanes with his old man to build items from gas grills to bookshelves. Yes, the years spent playing with Lego’s and Knex really have paid off! A real man can practically fix anything – given that it isn’t completely destroyed in the first place. You can take some broken golf club head and an old fiberglass fishing rod, add a little duct tape smash in some epoxy and blammo: Taylor’s homemade fairway driver!

Yes everyone can be a man with some brawn and ingenuity.

I had to cut a rug with no chalk line or marking device – or did I? Yes take off the wood trim and dust baking soda along one edge of the wood. You have just made a straight line and shown off your manly side!)

-Man 1

Friday, July 17, 2009

Welcome men(and woh-men)

"I just want to take a scissor and cut that nose hair", she blurted!
"Yes I need to manscape a bit when I get home! "
What a sweet reply I thought to myself.

See the section What you do? in the Man Guides - Book.

We are men! We grow hair! We are proud...
well maybe not necessarily where that hair grows in all cases! But, Lord knows that there are tons of products and surgeries that can make you less hairy of a man.
Our hair protects us and when it thins and disappears it upsets us.

When we are babies we have none...
we grow up and get some in areas we didn't before...
as we get older it leaves our head and winds up on our back...
we are attacked in old age by scraggly nose and ear hair(thanks gramps!)

Ahh to be a man you must know this sweet progression of man hair. Welcome to the club everyone. Remember, I am also a client!
-Man 1